Loss

A shower.  Something that happens every day.  To clean off the grime.  To clean off the day.  I’ve also discovered that it makes an excellent place to cry.  And you can blame the redness in your eyes on the shampoo.

As I sit here drinking a glass of Jameson Special Reserve and looking at pictures of my brother, I keep trying to get some thoughts into my head.  It’s been better today, but for the first 36 hours my head was just cloudy and I couldn’t keep or generate a thought.  This is going to be about as random as it can get.

Sometimes I find free writing helps clear my head.  This is going to be about as random as it can get.  I am not going to talk about how we got to today.  Ryan is genuinely a kind soul.  He may have confused people with the way he dressed or the things he did, but when it came to his family and friends he was there and helping out in whatever way he could.

He had such a personality and I really tried to feed off of that.  I was always more of a shy person, but when Ryan was around he made it easy to relax and just have fun.  When we were younger, we used to always watch Ernest Goes to Camp.  I guess it’s a little appropriate that the only thing I can think of is the song that Ernest sings…I’m awfully glad it’s raining.

This whole things is new to me.  10 years ago, I lost a friend in a car accident.  It really affected me, but losing Ryan has been so much harder.  The numb doesn’t go away.  My head remain empty.  I know I should be thinking something.  Feeling something.  But I can get my mind to wrap around this.  It’s not until I sit and think to myself, my brother is gone.  And the tears come.

I just can’t believe it.

I will miss you Ryan.  We may not have hung out as often, but I will miss the times that we had together.  The laughter that was inevitable when we were all together, often brought on by you. I will miss your presence; there was just an aura around him that could always cheer people up.

I will just miss you.